Dear President Xi Xinping,
I think I speak for all Chinese people when I say that it’s time for you to take a vacation. A very long and pleasant vacation.
At this this very moment, Xi, there is a helicopter landing outside of your residence. Don’t be alarmed.
This helicopter, emblazoned with an image of Winnie-the-Pooh to put you at ease, will fly you away to a very safe and wonderful place. You will live out your retirement on a distant island in the Pacific Ocean, a place filled with sunshine and coconuts. We, the people of China, have thought of every particular. Your snorkel and flippers await you, Xi.
You may be wondering what you will do on a remote island in the Pacific, all alone in paradise like Napoleon on Elba. And you raise an excellent point, dear old comrade: such a place offers little stimulation to an ambitious leader of a multitude. And yet it needs less than the full complement of the Chinese people to give exercise to the powers for which you are so respected: that is why we have taken the liberty of flying out in advance the whole Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party to keep you company, whose presence will provide you with all the intrigue to which you have been accustomed on the mainland.
Oh do stop! Profuse thanks will embarrass us. A modest acknowledgement of our attention to detail will suffice. After all, what are friends for?
And we are your closest friends, Xi—all one billion, four hundred million people of China. Friends don’t allow friends to fail, and with this minor adjustment in your circumstances, we only wish to ensure your future happiness and success. We think you will agree that this is a very “Xi-centered” approach.
This brings us to an awkward point in our letter: we must address an area in which you have been somewhat less than a dazzling success. Please don’t take this as evidence that our admiration for you is flagging, but we have discovered some serious discrepancies in your vaunted commitment to “a people-centric approach” to government.
For example, why can’t we vote? Oh, it’s a trifling matter, we know, and we are too longsuffering to gripe. But sometimes we feel like we don’t count.
Another inconsistency is how your government considers us too insignificant or incompetent to raise a jury of our peers. We might be forgiven, Xi, if we got the impression that you didn’t trust us with important decisions. If this were so, we would feel very wounded in our hearts. And we would cry big, regretful tears.
Xi: You don’t think we’re stupid, do you?
We have no wish to bring up every little thing, it feels so petty. But under your leadership, organs have been cut from the bodies of Chinese political prisoners while they still have use for them. Members of the Central Committee, who smoke and drink a lot, are then first in line to receive the fresh organs just so they can live long enough to imprison more Chinese people they don’t like. If your approach to government is people-centric, then why are you ripping out people’s organs to keep yourselves alive? Don’t you think that’s a bit self-centered of you?
Our list of queries could go on for pages, but you see the point. There are just too many things about your leadership that don’t quite add up, and we have decided that it’s time for us to go in another direction.
Please don’t take this sudden send-off as a sign that we don’t love you anymore. You will never be forgotten, Xi. We will carry you in our hearts forever. We promise.
Now hurry along: your helicopter is waiting.
With Warmest Regards,
The People of China